Can I really let go of my anxiety?

We stand to sing the old hymn and my lips form the words
that float away before they 
settle in my heart.
I’ll surrender some
yes I will,
but not all. 
That’s absurd, asking for
that much. 
Some things I can’t
give up
like my anxiety.
I need that to feel control
of a life that spins 
dangerously close 
to chaos 
one misstep and 
grief could be the end 
of me. 

As much as it kills me
I cannot give up my 
vigil 
who will worry about all
the details if I give 
it up. 

No, anxiety is my salvation
and my damnation
I can’t survive without it,
but I can’t go on like 
this anymore. 
It eats me alive 
and steals my nights
it’s become my evil 
addiction. 

If I surrender control 
of how I thought 
my life should be,
of what I assumed 
was best,
what then? 
Am I not the master of
my life?
Am I? 
Then why all the anxiety 
if I master my life 
so well?
Because I know deep down
control is always an
illusion.
Yet the age old deception 
taunts me that I know better 
than God. 

I surrender all?
What then? 
Yes, what then. 
What if peace?
What if trust?
What if I surrender 
my anxiety and 
open my tight-fisted hand
of control, to the God
who loves me with a love
so deep I can’t 
grasp it?

Maybe I find peace. 


-Mary Folkerts